dys· phem· is· tic Saturday, March 13, 2004
On Evaluating Presidential Candidates
This is a very serious time in modern history, and it behooves the citizenry to weigh their upcoming Presidential suffrage with the utmost in prudissitentiality -- a word I had to make up in order to encapsulate the maxination of our national enervacity.
So, for your edification, here are the criteria I use in picking a decent US President:
1.) Could he kick Jacques Chirac's butt?
Obviously, both Kerry and Bush could, but I think Bush would enjoy it more.
2.) Does he own a cat or a dog?
Presidents that own cats have historically been losers. Case in point: FDR had Fala (a dog), Carter had Misty Malarky (cat). Bush has two dogs, I haven't seen much in the mainstream media on Senator Kerry's pet preference. More research is needed by the League of Women Voters on this point.
3.) How cute is his wife?
Both candidates do ok here. Laura Bush is renowned for her cuteness; Teresa Heinz Kerry is not bad either and has panache and elan. Still, this election will continue the dry-spell on hot babes in the White House that's persisted since Jackie Kennedy moved out.
4.) The Schnozzola Factor
It's the Lincoln curse: since that black day in April, 1865 no President with an oversized honker has been any good. Kerry has the nose of a muppet and looses hands down in this all-important arena.
5.) Would his dog bite Jacques Chirac's butt?
This is not as clear cut as it would seem. Bush has two dogs, and that berserk little scotty dog wouldn't hesitate a second to rip into Chirac's butt, groin, and any other anatomical feature you care to name -- including his bulbous schnoz. The hound doggy one, though, would probably just lick his face and steal his croissant.
The enigma of Senator Kerry's alleged pet continues to occupy the investigatory prowess of the League of Women Voters. The entire election could come down to this one issue.
Finally, 6.) Is he boring?
I remember Nixon when I was a kid. Even at his skulking, thuggish worst he was still boring -- so very, very boring. The Constitution clearly states that the President must be a natural-born citizen, at least 35, and "by no means wearisome to the publick's attention span." Bush has this down pat: landing on aircraft carriers, spouting old west gunslinger phrases, fighting war after war. Senator Kerry is trying hard but has a long way to go before he doesn't sound like an angry mortician.
Of course, between now and election day all this could change...
So, for your edification, here are the criteria I use in picking a decent US President:
1.) Could he kick Jacques Chirac's butt?
Obviously, both Kerry and Bush could, but I think Bush would enjoy it more.
2.) Does he own a cat or a dog?
Presidents that own cats have historically been losers. Case in point: FDR had Fala (a dog), Carter had Misty Malarky (cat). Bush has two dogs, I haven't seen much in the mainstream media on Senator Kerry's pet preference. More research is needed by the League of Women Voters on this point.
3.) How cute is his wife?
Both candidates do ok here. Laura Bush is renowned for her cuteness; Teresa Heinz Kerry is not bad either and has panache and elan. Still, this election will continue the dry-spell on hot babes in the White House that's persisted since Jackie Kennedy moved out.
4.) The Schnozzola Factor
It's the Lincoln curse: since that black day in April, 1865 no President with an oversized honker has been any good. Kerry has the nose of a muppet and looses hands down in this all-important arena.
5.) Would his dog bite Jacques Chirac's butt?
This is not as clear cut as it would seem. Bush has two dogs, and that berserk little scotty dog wouldn't hesitate a second to rip into Chirac's butt, groin, and any other anatomical feature you care to name -- including his bulbous schnoz. The hound doggy one, though, would probably just lick his face and steal his croissant.
The enigma of Senator Kerry's alleged pet continues to occupy the investigatory prowess of the League of Women Voters. The entire election could come down to this one issue.
Finally, 6.) Is he boring?
I remember Nixon when I was a kid. Even at his skulking, thuggish worst he was still boring -- so very, very boring. The Constitution clearly states that the President must be a natural-born citizen, at least 35, and "by no means wearisome to the publick's attention span." Bush has this down pat: landing on aircraft carriers, spouting old west gunslinger phrases, fighting war after war. Senator Kerry is trying hard but has a long way to go before he doesn't sound like an angry mortician.
Of course, between now and election day all this could change...
